Thursday, March 03, 2005

Not very good at this girl thing

This sounds like it might be relaxing, but my first thought was that I would fear cross-contamination of tea and foot-water too much to enjoy it. Then again, I hate spas. Two years ago, for my birthday, I got a trip to some fancy spa in New York. My experience:

It began with a "sea scrub" massage, in which I was rubbed with oily kosher salt. At first, this felt good, then mildy uncomfortable, and by the time she got ready to move to the next leg I was wondering if I would have any skin left. In the end, though, I was smooth (if covered in salt) and relaxed. I had to shower off the salt, resulting in my hair puffing up into wannabe Texas matron bigness, and then put back on the giant robe and go to another room for my facial.

This consisted of my eyes being covered with damp cotton, and then I was smeared repeatedly with creams, prodded, told I had combination skin (duh!) and then that my face was covered with blackheads (I still don't know exactly what this means... there was nothing black on my face) and that I needed a "herbal pack" to get the years of accumulated grossness out of my never-been-facialed-before pores.

If I had been paying I would have been suspicious of people trying to sell me things while I was blind and vulnerable, but I said sure. She then swaddled my face in strips of cloth smeared with herbs, parked a giant steam pipe in front of my face, and left for fifteen minutes. I had problems breathing, what with the steam and my bad cold, but soon she came back, wiped all the herbal gunk off, and started the paraffin treatment for my hands, which meant she brushed molten wax all over them and then folded them up in paper to dry. I consoled myself with the testimonial from Gabriel Byrne I had seen on the wall; if famous guys can do this, so can I. She then smeared more gunk on, and then proceeded to poke me with something sharp and then squeeze all the bits of my face that were or tend to be pimply. I couldn't help but think that if the same things were done to a child it would be abuse. Beauty is weird.
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