Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Being a woman

This is very good. Read it all.
I feel like I'm split. I feel like I either am being Heebie, who is androgynous, or a Sexy Woman, but never both. Even when I'm wearing something hot - and believe me, I've got an awesome fucking wardrobe - I think that as soon as my personality comes out, I cease to be sexy. ... My superego lets me know exactly when I stop obeying the Sexy Script. I'm always aware.

Online, I'm clearly Androgynous Heebie. ... When someone makes a comment like, "She had a really hot body, and a smokin' face" about someone in real life, I jerk myself out of being Androgynous Heebie. I switch over to the Agreed Script. All of a sudden I'm fretting about my weight and my face. Am I cute enough? Am I skinny enough? I hate that side of me. I hate that I so easily slip into that. At least, Androgynous Heebie hates it. Scripted Heebie thinks it's very reasonable.

The thing is, Scripted Heebie is totally stymied online. No one knows what I look like. So Scripted Heebie gets flustered that she can't demonstrate her assets. Scripted Heebie can't participate and be assessed on her face and body. Androgynous Heebie gets enraged. So I lash out at whoever made the comment. Or else I bite my tongue and feel my heart rate rise.

But it's really that Scripted Heebie came out for a moment, and wanted validation, and couldn't be assessed. I hate that. I hate Scripted Heebie. I hate that part of me. Goddamnit.
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