The difficulty in these situations is acknowledging that "I eroticize submission" (as Coates apparently does) is not the same as "Submission is erotic [for everyone, or generally]." Maybe the BDSM viewpoint on D/S not being intrinsic to love and sex is derived from their experiences at having to persuade more vanilla people that there is no single common thread for what love and sex are really all about.
As one commenter notes, though,
perhaps this is merely a terminological issue.To my way of thinking, it doesn't make sense to call the generalized give-and-take of relationships mutual submission, due to the connotation of submission with dominance and hierarchy. Thoughts?
I make sacrifices, of course.. I stop and listen and change my mind when convinced in disagreements.. but I would never call these things as "submission"...
(and, for the record, I don't see "submission" necessarily as a bad thing.. but it's not a term that I would use for myself in a context that doesn't involve force or authority(==delayed/implied force)..
I submitted to parents.. I submit to work and school powers when I need to.. etc.. but I don't ever "submit" to equals.. and I never expect anyone to submit to me.. I can disagree/agree/fight/avoid etc.. but all of these things imply willing choice and acceptance in a way that doesn't imply a hierarchy like "submit" does to me.
Does your view of "submission" imply hierarchy at all? That by submitting, you are recognizing a "higher authority" (even in just that instance)--or is it just more of an acceptance...?